Citizen Evil
by JobenX
Summary: The cast of Resident Evil are thrust into everyday annoying situations. How will they cope? Main characters usually include Wesker, Nemesis and The Merchant.
1. Episode 1: Traffic Jam

CITIZEN EVIL

EPISODE 1: TRAFFIC

**Too lazy to elaborate on the vehicles**

"This is simply not acceptable!" Wesker mumbled. "I do not deserve to be stuck in traffic. I am a respected member of the community!" He honked the horn of his jet black sportscar twice. "Move your insignificant automobile from my path!" Wesker shouted out his window.

The driver of the vehicle to his right rolled down his window. "What's the matter, Sunglasses, is an everyday traffic jam too much for your godly mind to handle?"

Wesker looked over, and saw Jack Krauser sitting in a military style jeep. Krauser realised who he had to just insulted, and tried to hide out of site, dodging a bullet fired by Wesker.

"Another comment like that, Mr. Krauser, and next time, I will demonstrate the armor-piercing capabilities of my custom Samurai Edge, and subsequently put you in traction" Wesker said, although his voice was calm.

"Sorry boss" came the shout from the jeep.

"You chicken-ass!"

Wesker and Krauser looked back to see Billy Coen driving a golf caddy.

Krauser started laughing, and then ducked down to avoid a bullet from Coen's .44 Magnum.

"Is there something amusing about my car, Scarface?" Billy yelled.

"No, sorry, sorry..." Krauser mumbled back.

Wesker looked at the soldier with this disdain.

"As much as I value your services, Krauser, I must defer to Mr. Coen's judgement" Wesker said snappily.

"Hey, how the hell you know my name, Agent Smith?" Billy shouted.

"Because he keeps secret dossier's on everyone in the entire series so he effectively decide the best way to execute their execution" Called a voice behind Wesker, to Billy's left.

Chris Redfield was sitting in a normal blue car, with Jill Valentine next to him.

"Great, not only am I stuck in absolultely pointless traffic, My greatest rival is in the car behind me! Wonderful!" Wesker pouted.

"How do you know about those secret files if they're secret then, Hero?" Billy asked.

"Because we can see them in his trunk" Jill said.

Wesker turned around and fired two bullets out the back of his car, breaking the window. Chris and Jill ducked, and Chris fired a bullet from his pistol at Krauser, who also ducked.

"What's everybody got against me!" Krauser cried.

"So, what's with the caddy, Coen?" Jill asked the tattooed man.

"The execution party carrying me to my execution crashed the truck, so I escaped. Trouble is, we crashed in a golf course..." Billy looked slightly sheepish.

"What is with the repetition of execution!" cried a voice from Wesker's left. Everyone turned to see Ada Wong in a red Jaguar.

"And now the bitch who double-crossed me in the 4th game is on my left! Marvelous! Could this day get any better!" Wesker complained. Someone approached him from the right. Wesker turned.

"Clean your windows, Stranger?" The Merchant asked, opening his coat and showing off a wide range of cleaning utinsils.

Wesker's mouth hung open.

"Nice teeth, Stranger, I'll buy them at a high price" The Merchant said gleefully.

"I'm sorry, I' don't feel I want to be involved in this piece of crap fan-fiction story anymore" Wesker got out of his car, and pushed the Merchant out of the way.

"And these jokes are absolutly absurd in the fact that they are not even funny" Wesker got on top of his car and looked into the sky.

"Honestly, is there anything you can do properly" He questioned, mockingly.

Suddenly, the traffic in front suddenly drove off, leaving the road clear. Ada, Krauser and Billy drove off eagerly, whilst Chris honked the car horn repetatively.

Wesker looked around. The cars that had gone were already replaced by others, whilst his lane was completley clear, apart from the black land-rover in front of his car, which had an upside-down red L stuck to the back.

"Do I really want to know?" Wesker questioned, and was knocked down by HUNK, who was hanging on for grim life to a rope connected to a helicopter, piloted by Kirk Mathison. Wesker looked up, and saw three helicopters in a line.

Kirk leaned out of the helicopter with a megaphone in his hand.

"Come on, you airhog! Move it!" He exclaimed.

The helicopter in front did a 180 turn somehow and turned to face Kirk's 'copter. Brad Vickers leaned out the copter, with his own megaphone, shat himself, and disappeared into the 'copter. Leon S. Kennedy then leaned out with the megaphone.

"He says ARGH! YOU TELL HIM! YOU TELL HIM!"

"KENNEDY!" Wesker screamed, and fired at the helicopter. Leon avoided the bullet, and instantly pulled a sniper rifle out and fired it into the distance.

A distance away, at a McDonalds, whilst Krauser was ordering a Number 7 with cheese, his server was struck by a bullet to the shoulder. Krauser stuck his head out of the window.

"Leave me alone!" He cried, and then drove off quickly, scared of anymore bullets.

Meanwhile, in the helicopter behind Kirk, Steve Burnside leaned out of the helicopter with a megaphone.

"Can't we all just get along?" He said. His voice amplified subsequently caused every window within a mile to spontaneously explode.

"Shut up!" everyone screamed in unison. Wesker shot the megaphone out of Steve's hand. Steve withdrew from sight, and then piloted his helicopter to fly over Kirk's and Leon's, and flew away.

"Now why didn't I do that?" Kirk asked himself. He piloted his 'copter upwards. HUNK kicked Wesker in the face, although failing to knock Wesker's shades off. Wesker raised his pistol to fire, but HUNK had his TMP pointing at his face.

"I wouldn't mate, I got a more popular fan-base than you, Wesky boy" HUNK said, in a distinctive Aussie accent, and then dissapeard as Kirk flew away, almost chopping HUNK's foot off by flying to close to Leon's 'copter.

"Wesker, just look at the car in front already, dammit! I'm bored of sitting here!" Chris exclaimed.

Wesker looked enraged "Alright! Fine!" he screamed "Anything to get out of this pathetic excuse for a fanfic!" Wesker approached the car, and tapped on the window. The driver rolled down their window.

"STARS?" Nemesis said, questioningly. There were three beautiful women in the car with it, all of whom do not have names because they weren't in the games.

Wesker looked completley and utterly shocked. He then snapped out of his trance.

"You know what? I don't care! Get me out of this goddam story imediatley!" Wesker cried. He looked back and saw that everyone was reversing rapidly.

"Oh hurrah! Now maybe I can pull into another lane?" Wesker mocked.

Wesker was run over by a semi-truck. Inside the truck, Salazar turned to Mendez.

"Did we hit anything? I can't see!" Salazar questioned. He was standing up, his arms stretched above his head to reach the steering wheel.

Mendez turned to him and said "Amigo, You just hit the _really _big cheese..."

Meanwhile, Nemesis got out of his car and lifted the unconcious Wesker up with one hand.

"STARS?" He asked himself. The Merchant approached him.

"Stranger, Stranger! Now _thats _a weapon!" The Merchant complemented.

"STARS!" Nemesis cried in joy.

Traffic had resumed a normal flow, apart from a que behind Nemesis' car, behind which was Chris and Jill.

"I told you to pull into a different lane..." Jill muttered.

Claire Redfield drove past on her motorbike, completley oblivious to what had happened.

* * *

**Please R&R, though don't tell me its not funny, I already know that :( If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to mention them. If i like them, I will credit you in the next installment.**

**I don't own RE**


	2. Episode 2: Fast Food

CITIZEN EVIL

**Credit to lawrence96 for the inspiration**

* * *

EPISODE 2: TAKE-AWAY

**Some greasy fast-food joint in the city...**

"Hello sir! May I help you?" Asked the server to his customer.

"STARS STARS... STARS, STARS _STARS_!" Replied Nemesis.

"Would like to super-size that?"

"STARS"

"Would you like cheese with that?"

"STARS"

"Will you be having it here, or is this a take-away"

"_STARS_"

* * *

Meanwhile, next to Nemesis, William Birkin was having trouble with his orders.

"It really is an incredibly simple order. Even someone with a cranium of lesser mass than you own would be able to comprehend it" He argued.

"Sir, we do not sell "Roasted Licker Meat" and there is perhaps no such thing beyond the realm of fantasy!"

"Don't you see! We can make the fantasy real! All you require is a BOW 52, make sure it is deceased by humanitarian means, and roast it on a heated platform of sorts!"

"Sir! please don't make have to eject you from the premesis"

"This is an outrage! I... I..." William started to see the futility of ordering a secret experiment medium-rare.

"Very well, do you have Hunter Alpha Brains?"

"No sir"

"Hunter Gamma Brains?"

"No sir"

"Tyrant Heart?"

"No sir"

"Nemesis Tounge?"

"STARS!"

"No sir"

"Albinoid Carcass?"

"Sold out sir"

"Bandersnatch Arm?

"No sir"

* * *

Meanwhile, the invincible team of Chris, Jill, Leon and Claire were enjoying a conversation whilst waiting for their meal.

"So... Whose going to be in Resident Evil 6 then?" Leon asked.

"I doubt any of us will" said Chris.

"Why not? surely me and Claire have a good chance! we havn't been seen since Degeneration!"

"Yeah, but you're both appearing in Darkside Chronicles soon" Chris retorted.

"Bro's got a point, Leon" said Claire.

"Well anyway, who do you think is going to be in 6?" Leon asked again.

"I think that Barry deserves to make an appearance again" replied Jill.

"And Rebecca" said Chris, with a faraway look in his eye.

Jill elbow-jabbed him in the ribs.

"Ow! and Billy should, possibly Carlos, definitly HUNK, and without a doubt Wesker"

The whole table looked at him.

"Wesker died in 5! You killed him, remember!" Leon cried.

"Yeah, but that didn't stop him before" Chris replied somberly.

Meanwhile...

* * *

"Centurion Legs?"

"No sir"

"Chimera Carcass?"

"No sir"

* * *

"Here's you meals!" shouted a waitress.

"Who ordered the cheeseburger with extra beef?"

"Here" said Chris.

"Ceasar salad with acorns?"

"Mine" said Leon.

"Bucket of chicken legs?"

"Hello!" said Claire.

"Nemesis testicles?"

No one said anything.

"STARS!" Nemesis cried, and grabbed his obscure euphamisms, and returned to his place.

"Watercress sandwhich?"

Everyone looked at Jill.

"What? I like watercress"

Chris put his hand or Jill's shoulder, and nodded to the other two.

"Jill..."

"Yes..." She said, suspiciously.

"THAT WAS ALMOST A JILL SANDWHICH!" They all screamed.

* * *

"Jill Sandwhich?"

"No sir"

* * *

"Here's your meal sir!"

"STARS" Nemesis said, and grabbed his bag and ate it whole.

"Have a pleasant day!"

"stars..." Nemesis mumbled.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

"STARS!" Nemesis cried and ran for the bathroom, followed by inhuman noises that would not be forgotten if heard.

"Sir! You forgot your juice!" cried the server.

* * *

"Nemesis Testicles?"

"No sir"

"Is there anything here that is made from a secret biological experiment gone awry"

"Well... we have Crimson Head Head?"

"No... that'sjust disturbing. I do not enjoy the vision of consuming a T-Virus infected individual experincing V-ACT"

"We also have El Gigante Parasite?"

"Hmm, interseting... I'll take it!"

The server pulled out a mass of red and yellow substance, and put it on a tray, he also reached for a small cardboard box.

"And here's your Happy Meal sir!"

"Thank you" replied William, who took the tray and box, and sat down with his wife and child. He handed the oversized parasite to Sherry.

"Sorry, darling, they didn't have any RLM" William said, and opened his happy meal and shared the fries with Annette.

* * *

Albert Wesker walked through the doors, and took one look around.

"Oh great... here we go again... Alright, I accept my fate" He mumbled, and walked upto the counter.

"How can I help ya, Stranger?"

"Large fries and Strawberry milkshake" Wesker replied.

"Not enough cash, Stranger!"

"You have to be joking..."

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in China, hordes of ultra-fast, super-strong monsters were closing in on Barry, Rebecca and Billy.

"I could be eating a Seafood Platter right now, but nooooooo, I had to help Barry make a comeback" Billy said sarcastically.

"shutupshutupshutupshutup" Barry cried.

* * *

**Keep the requests comin' people. I hope you're enjoying this as much as me.**

**I don't own Resident Evil.**


	3. Episode 3: Marrige

CITIZEN EVIL

EPISODE 3: HITCHED

**Another episode brought to you by lawrence64. I Probably could have done better, but who cares...**

* * *

**In a chapel, somewhere...**

"And I have to do this why?" Wesker questioned. His usual trenchcoat had a bright white collar.

"Because the fans love you, Albert, they want to see you doing all sorts of things" Saddler told him.

"But you're the preist, surely this is your job" Wesker argued. Saddler dramatically raised his hands.

"The powers higher than me have chosen you for this task, not me"

Wesker remained silent.

"Fine... lets just get this over with, and then maybe I can just have one moment of peace without being thrown into some pointless storyline" Wesker turned to leave, but Saddler grabbed his shoulder.

"Just remember, they'd rather marry you, than you marry them, and one more thing... Don't call me Shirley"

* * *

A huge crowd was gathered in the chapel, as Wesker approached the altar.

"Alright, listen up! Let's get this done quickly so I can continue plotting world domination... Would the first pair of losers please approach the stage..."

Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine approached.

"Would the best man give the bride his rings" Wesker said.

Nemesis was wearing a full tuxedo and was happily picking whatever could be considered his nose. It stood up, and gave Chris the rings, and sat down again.

"Okay then.. Do you, Jill "Bullet For My" Valentine, accept this man as your lawfully wedded bastard?"

"I do"

"Do you, Christopher "He's Pissing Over My Shirt!" Redfield, accept this woman as your lawfully wedded bitch?"

"I do"

"Great, now fucking kiss, I got more couples to get through" Wesker said.

As Jill and Chris kissed, the crowd cheered, Nemesis broke into tears and Wesker sighed.

* * *

As they sat down, Jill turned to Chris.

"Did you have to make Nemesis the best man, surley Leon could have done it?"

"He's marrying my sister! You can't expect me to put up with that!"

"Next lovebirds, please...?" Wesker mumbled.

Leon and Claire approached the altar.

"I wonder who Leon chose as his best man?" Jill asked herself.

"I don't care, there is no greater insult than making Nemesis your best man"

* * *

"Would the ring-bearer please give the super-uber agent his rings" Wesker said, leaning against his podium.

Nemesis got up again, still picking his nose.

Chris's mouth opened in shock.

* * *

"Now that's an insult..." Jill muttered.

* * *

Nemesis gave Leon the rings, and sat back down.

"Very well, do you, Claire "It Must Run In The Family" Redfield, accept Mr. Suave here as your homeboy?"

"I do"

"Amazing... And do you, Leon Scott Kennedy, accept this bird as your pathetic lover?"

"I do"

"Great! then hurry up and kiss!"

As Leon and Claire kissed, the great oak doors of the chapel opened.

"WE OBJECT!"

Everyone turned around to see Ada Wong and Steve Burnside, who both walked up to Leon and Claire. Steve tried to kiss Leon, but Ada pushed him into Claire, allowing Ada to kiss Leon whilst Steve kissed Claire.

"Barley married five seconds, Kennedy, and you've already commited adultry. This is starting to get interesting" Wesker said.

They both managed to push off their assailants.

"It's not what it looks like!" They both cried.

"LEEEEEEEOOOOOOOONNNNN!"

Everyone looked back.

Ashley Graham was running towards Leon, and also kissed him.

"Just you wait until I get you home, Leon..." Claire said menacingly, and stomped off down the aisle, with Leon in tow, followed by Steve, Ada and Ashley.

* * *

"Well, that was certainly interesting..." Wesker noted.

"Next couple please? And make it interesting..."

Billy and Rebecca walked up the aisle.

* * *

"How many more after this?" Chris said.

"We still need to see... Oh, no, yep, these are the last ones" said Jill.

"We could have got a more livley bunch for the crowd though" said Chris, looking around.

The stalls were filled with re-animated corpses in tuxedos and dresses, Cerebrus' with cute pink bows around their necks, and a few freinds sitting uncomfortably.

"Hey, it's not the author's fault that he's too lazy to specify who is in the crowd" Jill rebuked.

"I suppose so..."

* * *

"Would Frodo please give Mr. Coen the rings?"

Nemesis stood up again. Bored of picking his nose, he had started poking what could be considered his ears. He handed Billy the rings.

"Uhh... Handsome Dan?" Billy said to Nemesis, whilst holding two Onion Rings.

"STARS" Nemesis apologised, and handed Billy the real rings.

"Cheers, Matty-boy" Billy replied.

Nothing happened

"Oh sorry" Wesker said "I must have drifted off"

"Right then! Do you, William Coen "The Barbarian", take this woman to blah blah blah?"

"Sure do, Father Wesker!" Billy replied.

"Excellent... Do you, Rebecca "Is It A Boy Or A Girl?" Chambers, take this tattooed punk blah blah blah?"

"I do"

"Stupendous! Is there anything else that anyone wants to say?" said Wesker, craning to look around.

Ark Thompson walked in, and raised a fist.

"Hey!"

Everyone looked at him.

"Uhh... I've forgotten, sorry" Ark said, and then left.

Everyone remained silent.

"Well, that was interesting" Wesker mumbled.

Suddenly, Mr. X burst through the doors, knocking them off the hinges. He pointed at Nemesis.

* * *

"..." he said.

"STARS!" Nemesis shouted, outraged.

"..." Mr. X replied.

Nemesis looked around, then ran over to one of the bride's maids, and hid her behind him.

"STARS STARS!" Nemesis argued.

Mr. X began to walk towards him.

"..." He continued.

Nemesis's jaw dropped, whilst the woman behind him emerged.

It was Lisa Trevor.

She screamed.

Mr. X looked angry, and began to run at her.

"STARS!" Nemesis said, shaking his head, walking towards Mr. X.

The two stood at each end of the aisle, staring each other down.

* * *

Wesker pulled out a stereo, and connected it to his iPod, and began to play the music from _The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly_.

* * *

Lisa screamed.

"..."

"STARS"

They began to walk towards each other.

* * *

"I can't understand a word they're saying!" exclaimed Chris.

"Neither can I!" cried Jill.

The Merchant tapped Chris on the shoulder.

"Got something that might intrest ya, Stranger!"

Chris looked confused.

"I'm sorry" he said "I don't swing that way"

"No, no, no" The Merchant replied, and held out a book, titled _Understanding Tyrants And Other Sentient Biological Weapons _By William Birkin.

"We'll take it!" Chris exclaimed.

"Not enough cash, Stranger!"

"I've got no money on me at the moment..." Chris said, then noticed the ring on his finger.

"Ahh, I'll buy it at a high price!"

"Great, here take it, now give me the book!" Chris replied, trading the items, and turning around.

"Anything happen?" Chris asked Jill.

"Nope, they're still staring at each other" she told him.

* * *

Indeed, Nemesis and X were still staring at each other.

Lisa screamed at Nemesis.

Nemesis turned to Lisa.

"STARS" it told her.

Lisa screamed.

Nemesis turned around, and walked up to Lisa, and gently lifted up her human-face mask, and placed his head under it.

"STARS"

* * *

"What the hell are they doing?" Jill asked, not expecting a sensible answer.

Chris flipped through the book.

"Well, apparently, X is accusing Nemesis of stealing Lisa from him, whilst Nemesis denied that Lisa ever loved X, to which X responded by saying that if it didn't let him see her, he would kill it and her. Nemesis then said that X would have to go through it first. X told Nemesis that Lisa lost her virginity to him. Lisa said that it was true, although she regreted hooking up with X. Nemesis says that X is going leave or suffer a humiliating defeat"

Jill stared at her new husband.

"Lisa says that they shouldn't fight for her, whilst they both press the idea that they have to. Lisa says that she doesn't want to see a fight, and that she loves Nemesis. Nemesis tells her that he is protecting their love. She asks him not to get himself killed like his brother, Tyrant T-002, did. He then kissed her, saying that he wouldn't let that happen to them"

Chris looked smug.

Jill kept staring at Chris.

"What?" Chris said.

* * *

Wesker had found some popcorn, and was nibbling at them to his heart's content. Billy and Rebecca were staring dumbfounded at the Tyrants.

* * *

Nemesis reappeared from under Lisa's corpse-cowl.

"STARS"

* * *

"I love you" Chris said.

* * *

Nemesis turned around, and continued walking upto X, who resumed walking, waiting patiently for the emotional scene to end. They walked up to each other, and stopped when they could go no further without walking into the other.

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"X says "Ready to lose?" whilst Nemesis replies "I hope you are"" Chris said

* * *

Both Tyrants drew back their hands and brought it towards the other's torso at freightning speed. However they both stopped short of hitting each other. X's hand was open, whilst Nemesis was clenched into a fist.

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"X picks Paper , whilst Nemesis choses Rock"

Jill stared at Chris.

"...What?"

* * *

Wesker froze in shock, his hand halfway towards his mouth with popcorn, whilst Billy and Rebecca were still gawping at the Tyrants.

* * *

The Tyrants drew their hands back again, and thrust at each other again.

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"X picks Rock, whilst Nemesis chooses Paper" Chris told Jill.

"How do you know these things?" Jill asked him.

"You didn't marry me just for my looks, did you?" Chris replied.

Jill remained silent.

* * *

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"Ooo, It's a close one. They both picked Scissors"

* * *

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"Both picked Rock"

* * *

"..."

"STARS"

* * *

"Scissors again"

* * *

"..."

"STARS!"

* * *

"And Nemesis wins!" Chris shouted.

"What did he pick!" Jill cried, thrilled by the suspense.

"X picked Paper, but Nemesis picked Tentacle!" Chris replied.

* * *

Mr. X fell to a heap on the floor, a gaping hole where his heart should have, would have been.

Nemesis picked up the corpse, and with a mighty throw, sent it flying out through the doors. Nemesis then walked back to Lisa, and got down on one knee.

"STARS?"

Lisa was shocked for a moment, then screamed.

* * *

"Nemesis asks Lisa to marry it, Lisa says yes"

* * *

Both Tyrant and Trevor sat down next to each other.

"Way to go, Eastwood" Billy said to Nemesis.

Wesker snapped out of his trance.

"Er... yes... where were we? Oh yes... you two kiss"

Billy then kissed the still stunned Rebecca, which made her come back to reality.

"Did that really just happen?" She asked.

Before Billy could answer, Wesker butt in.

"Yes it did, now hurry up, I think the couple of the hour should take the stage. Come here you two" Wesker said smiling.

Nemesis and Lisa walked up to the podium as Billy and Rebecca returned to their seats.

* * *

"Would the best man kindly offer the rings?" Wesker asked.

Nemesis clicked his fingers, and HUNK suddenly crashed through the stained-glass a window. He was wearing a tuxedo, although he still had his gas-mask on. He walked around the stalls and took his place next to Nemesis, and handed the latter the rings.

* * *

"Now how insulting is it when Nemesis doesn't make you _it's _best man?" Jill asked.

Chris remained silent.

* * *

"Do you, Lisa "Good God! Is It Meant To Look Like That?" Trevor, take this Tyrant, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Lisa screamed.

"And do you, Maximillian "Nemesis" Tyrant III, take this abomination, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

"STARS"

"You may now kiss"

Nemesis swept Lisa off her feet and buried his head into hers.

* * *

Wesker was smiling, Chris was crying, Jill was confused, Billy and Rebecca were making out.

It seemed like the perfect end to a brilliant wedding.

The doors burst open once more.

Sheva Alomar, in her tribal outfit, stepped through.

"REDFIELD!" she screamed.

"Aw shit" said Chris.

* * *

**Well, that turned out better than I thought, especially X and Nemesis. Feel free to send me ideas. I hope you enjoyed this one.**

**I don't own RE, i-Pod, or various Western-related films.**


End file.
